Revisions

Blog (due on or before 7:00am):  If you sent in a submission to Spotlight Magazine like you were supposed to (*), Mimi Moriarty wrote you a personal reply about how to best revise your submission(s) which I have forwarded to your guilderlandschools.net account.  For today's blog assignment (titled Revisions), please (1) post a copy of the original poem(s) you submitted; (2) post her advice for revision; (3) revise (revise means REALLY CHANGE) your poem(s) based on her feedback; (4) discuss which poem(s) - the original or the revised - are better and tell why you believe that.  Mimi Moriarty is a published and gifted poet, and she has taken the time to respond individually to each person who submitted poems.  Honor that kindness by heeding her professional advice.  You might just learn something about how to approach revision that you didn't know before this opportunity arose.

Present

Smoke surrounding like a woman’s perfume,

Devoured into the vast universe.

A translucent smile from the fire,

Time robs overnight,

Pictures give like a window,

Ghostly.

Lips

Lips.

Can reflect

Thoughts through actions,

And actions throughout sounds.

Giving off by the movement,

And the vibrations forming,

Sculpting, the message

To be

Absorbed.

Darina - both of your poems have a mysterious aura about them, and a sensual feel to them.  You have painted two very vivid descriptions, something I have been trying to get many of your classmates to do.  I particularly like the line "Pictures give like a window."  That's very original and mysterious and beautiful.  My only advice would be to write more - it seems like both of these poems could say more, maybe give us a bit more of a hint about what's going on.  I was left wondering maybe a bit too much about both poems.  But I shouldn't complain - you really have a knack for weaving beautiful language.  Stay with it!

Present; not as a gift but as in time

time is what the fire may eat away

Smoke surrounding like a woman’s perfume,

Devoured into the vast universe.

impossible to rewind and pause before the disaster

A translucent smile crawls from the fire,

Time robs overnight,

Pictures give like a window,

it is the only memory left

from what was once there

Ghostly.

Lips

Lips.

so small yet can bring such a big impact

lips can reflect thoughts through actions,

And actions throughout sounds.

lips give personality and attitude

and can be read without words.

lips can start a stir 

And the vibrations formed to be heard 

lips sculpt the message

To be absorbed.

for the poem present, i believe the revised poem is better because it gives more detail on what is happening. her advice helped me realize that and made the poem much better. the reason that the poem "lips" was so short was because i was following a strict pattern and could not add anymore words other than what was used. i think the revised piece for "lips" is much better because it is more descriptive and gives a better idea of what i was trying to say.